Thursday, September 10, 2009


If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

Six hour talks in the chapel.
Wedding Vows.
Praying with hands folded.
Meredith's voice.
Feeling beautiful.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

When God Hates All the Same People You Do

I told you I'm not bullet proof, now you know.
It's ok to feel hurt.
It's not ok to assign blame.

It's ok to join a convent.
It's not ok to settle.

It's ok to give nothing away.
It's not ok to give away sex.

It's ok to give up.
It's not ok to shut out girlfriends.

It's ok to be attracted to him.
It's not ok to hate him.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

A Brand New Day

I know I’ll be ok
Currently Listening: Taking Chances by Celine Dion (Don’t judge)
Current Distracting Decision: Old South Formal

Ooooo I feel so loved. It’s my college birthday and my friends have been so wonderful all day. In addition to that, last night was my formal and my date was spectacular.

First: my date. I’m being careful to not over-romanticize things. Because really, that would never work. We would never work. So know this: I’m not over-romanticizing it. But he was so great. I don’t think I’ve ever been treated like that. I used to be turned off by nice boys. I don’t know whether it’s my maturity or getting a dose of the exact opposite, but I think I like nice boys now. Which will probably significantly reduce my unhappiness in later relationships. I look forward to that.

Not looking forward to: Going home. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to be stress free and have endless chill sessions with Marth. Ah, just typing that gets me really excited about it. But I’m leaving Jewell, and before I say this, I know how pathetic it sounds ok? But I am so much more in love with my friends here than I ever was at home. I lived there for 15 years and I wasn’t able to form the kinds of friendships I have already established here. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I was not a very quality person, so I attracted other less-than-quality people.

Kevin talked today about how we perceive God. A lot of people perceive Him as someone who fixes our shit because He totally owes us. I definitely get frustrated with God when He doesn’t fix the things in my life that I think He should.

I don’t like to write about things unless I’ve got them all thought out. When I’ve got the final answer, then I’ll write about it. But with my perception of God, I don’t have a final solution. I’m still working on that one.

But I think that’s ok.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

You said "I know that this will hurt

But if I don't break your heart things will just get worse"

Easter Break, while not in any way restful, was a relief. I love Jewell so much, but everything seems so much bigger here.

I don't trust people. Especially pastors. I really don't trust pastors.

My band director in high school was a liar. He lied a lot. About stupid things. I never believed anything he said. This year he had to go to a neurologist and get a brain scan because he had a tumor. I didn't know whether or not to believe him because he lies... a lot. But then maybe the tumor had altered his personality all these years and had made him lie. This led to the epic question: "Did lying cause the tumor or did the tumor cause lying?"
Turns out it was neither. There's no tumor. He's just lies a lot.

Transparency. It's harder than I originally anticipated. But here's the facts: I'm not the independant woman I pretend to be. I need males to make me feel valued. For the record, I'm trying to change that. But for now, I'm conflicted. I can't go to formal without a boy. Who's going to tell me how pretty I am?

If the burden seems too much to bear, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

Friday, April 3, 2009

When You Believe Them...

Oh what a week.

This week was one of the most stressful times this semester. It culminated Tuesday night, which was characterized by the stress of four midterms and a brutal talk with a lovely girl who is entirely too sweet to hate, no matter how much I want to.

However, this week has been surprisingly good since then. As my shock and blind rage have subsided, I’m left with essentially no feelings at all. My sense of “It was what it was and now it’s over” has returned and it’s good. Honestly, I feel liberated. I’d never been broken up with, and while this doesn’t technically count, I think getting played in such a massive way is comparable.

I relate everything back to lessons I learned growing up, and this is one of them: Whenever something would happen that I didn’t like, from getting hurt to doing chores, Jeff Rettig would say, “It builds character.” I love things I didn’t understand then that make sense now.

I’m building character. I’m seeing things from a very different perspective than I’m used to, and I am embracing it. That doesn’t mean I’m forgiving (yet) but I am being grateful for new experiences. Jeff would love this.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The Way I Am

I recently became aware that I really hurt a guy I dated. I thought it was kind of a mutual break up, but I guess it wasn’t. And I’m sorry that he was hurt, but it was really was good for everyone to break up.

In high school I think it’s safe to say I was a pretty shitty person. And I live with guilt from that every day. I am truly sorry for what I did, but I have really shaped up since I’ve been at college and treat people like people now. Of course, now I think I’m better than those people who treat people poorly.

But then last night I had a dream about the aforementioned guy. I’ve been craving boy attention recently for obvious reasons, so in the dream I went to this boy. I told him all about how I was wrong to break up with him and we could work it out and date again. But all the time in my head I’m thinking “What the hell am I doing? I don’t like him. I’m being that person who uses other people.” Omg guys, it was a horrible feeling.

So maybe I just haven’t seemed like a shitty person lately, but I still am. And given enough temptation I will succumb to the temptation to use people. Maybe I’m not better than Those People.

Friday, March 20, 2009

You Don't Know But That's Ok...

You might find me anyway

In high school I prided myself in being mysterious and enigmatic. That seems so pointless to me now. I try now to be transparent. This was not a conscious decision that I made: I didn’t just decide one day that I wanted to be transparent, and I don’t even know when it started. I just realized one day this semester that I was being honest with people. It seems basic, but trust me…it’s not simple for me.

The best part about being transparent is that people like the things that I like about myself. For example: I genuinely care about people. Which is something that people don’t see when you’re an enigma. People don’t see how you feel because you’re trying to keep it a secret. So they don’t know you care. Which sucks. I mean really, that is the reason I lost my BRF, because I was secretive. It was SO not worth it.

I miss my BRF/other half most when I’m having boy issues. She was so good at listening to me ramble and telling me what I was thinking because I couldn’t figure it out on my own. But I miss her everyday with or without issues. This is the nature of losing a friend soul mate. A year ago I thought I couldn’t live without her. And I was partially right.