Monday, March 30, 2009

The Way I Am

I recently became aware that I really hurt a guy I dated. I thought it was kind of a mutual break up, but I guess it wasn’t. And I’m sorry that he was hurt, but it was really was good for everyone to break up.

In high school I think it’s safe to say I was a pretty shitty person. And I live with guilt from that every day. I am truly sorry for what I did, but I have really shaped up since I’ve been at college and treat people like people now. Of course, now I think I’m better than those people who treat people poorly.

But then last night I had a dream about the aforementioned guy. I’ve been craving boy attention recently for obvious reasons, so in the dream I went to this boy. I told him all about how I was wrong to break up with him and we could work it out and date again. But all the time in my head I’m thinking “What the hell am I doing? I don’t like him. I’m being that person who uses other people.” Omg guys, it was a horrible feeling.

So maybe I just haven’t seemed like a shitty person lately, but I still am. And given enough temptation I will succumb to the temptation to use people. Maybe I’m not better than Those People.

Friday, March 20, 2009

You Don't Know But That's Ok...

You might find me anyway

In high school I prided myself in being mysterious and enigmatic. That seems so pointless to me now. I try now to be transparent. This was not a conscious decision that I made: I didn’t just decide one day that I wanted to be transparent, and I don’t even know when it started. I just realized one day this semester that I was being honest with people. It seems basic, but trust me…it’s not simple for me.

The best part about being transparent is that people like the things that I like about myself. For example: I genuinely care about people. Which is something that people don’t see when you’re an enigma. People don’t see how you feel because you’re trying to keep it a secret. So they don’t know you care. Which sucks. I mean really, that is the reason I lost my BRF, because I was secretive. It was SO not worth it.

I miss my BRF/other half most when I’m having boy issues. She was so good at listening to me ramble and telling me what I was thinking because I couldn’t figure it out on my own. But I miss her everyday with or without issues. This is the nature of losing a friend soul mate. A year ago I thought I couldn’t live without her. And I was partially right.