Everything is Absolute

When you're trying, I want to get married. When you're not, it'll probably be over soon.

A speeding ticket is the end of life as I know it.

For a long time I was of the belief that I didn't need God, but I still wanted religion. Aren't most people opposite? "Reject religion, embrace Jesus"? I like religion. And I like free will. I like deciding who I'm allowed to love.

I like to love murderers and not adulterers. Gay people and not Baptists. I guess that makes me them.

Sometimes, I know I love you.

I can't wait for these freshmen to grow out of their religion. I can't wait to grow into mine.

I Don't Know But it Hurts

Taken from an earlier journal entry:

Seeing these girls who are slaves to things which used to enslave me gives me hope. I escaped that with little effort, so maybe I can get even better...older. And maybe less crazy? It's possible I guess.

...I go back in four days. It's easier to come and go now because nothing seems too permanent. But it still hurts my heart to leave Marth alone.

We're fine. Everything's fine, and maybe even better than that.

Comfortable

My six month letter from Outward Bound:

Take this time to remember what you are looking at while writing this letter. The island that represents no difference between the happiness that comes from minimalism and that which comes from excess. The massive bay that represents what you're capable if if necessary, if applied.

I'm no longer begging for the feeling of my bed. I'm thriving. Craftsmenship: do it well, not just what is needed to get by.

Being patient with people

Staying positive intrinsically

Not avoiding work

Doing all that you are capable of

And not judging others if they are not capable of the same

Living

Think about how comfortable you are, but remember that being uncomfortable is Good

Sacred

If anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.

Love.
Truth.
Justice.
Purity.
Six hour talks in the chapel.
Solitude.
Wedding Vows.
Freedom.
Praying with hands folded.
Meredith's voice.
Companionship.
Feeling beautiful.
Anit-depressants.
Loyalty.

When God Hates All the Same People You Do

I told you I'm not bullet proof, now you know.

It's ok to feel hurt.

It's not ok to assign blame.

It's ok to join a convent.

It's not ok to settle.

It's ok to give nothing away.

It's not ok to give away sex.

It's ok to give up.

It's not ok to shut out girlfriends.

It's ok to be attracted to him.

It's not ok to hate him.

A Brand New Day

I know I’ll be ok
Currently Listening: Taking Chances by Celine Dion (Don’t judge)
Current Distracting Decision: Old South Formal

Ooooo I feel so loved. It’s my college birthday and my friends have been so wonderful all day. In addition to that, last night was my formal and my date was spectacular.

First: my date. I’m being careful to not over-romanticize things. Because really, that would never work. We would never work. So know this: I’m not over-romanticizing it. But he was so great. I don’t think I’ve ever been treated like that. I used to be turned off by nice boys. I don’t know whether it’s my maturity or getting a dose of the exact opposite, but I think I like nice boys now. Which will probably significantly reduce my unhappiness in later relationships. I look forward to that.

Not looking forward to: Going home. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to be stress free and have endless chill sessions with Marth. Ah, just typing that gets me really excited about it. But I’m leaving Jewell, and before I say this, I know how pathetic it sounds ok? But I am so much more in love with my friends here than I ever was at home. I lived there for 15 years and I wasn’t able to form the kinds of friendships I have already established here. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I was not a very quality person, so I attracted other less-than-quality people.

Kevin talked today about how we perceive God. A lot of people perceive Him as someone who fixes our shit because He totally owes us. I definitely get frustrated with God when He doesn’t fix the things in my life that I think He should.

I don’t like to write about things unless I’ve got them all thought out. When I’ve got the final answer, then I’ll write about it. But with my perception of God, I don’t have a final solution. I’m still working on that one.

But I think that’s ok.

You said "I know that this will hurt

But if I don't break your heart things will just get worse"

Easter Break, while not in any way restful, was a relief. I love Jewell so much, but everything seems so much bigger here.

I don't trust people. Especially pastors. I really don't trust pastors.

My band director in high school was a liar. He lied a lot. About stupid things. I never believed anything he said. This year he had to go to a neurologist and get a brain scan because he had a tumor. I didn't know whether or not to believe him because he lies... a lot. But then maybe the tumor had altered his personality all these years and had made him lie. This led to the epic question: "Did lying cause the tumor or did the tumor cause lying?"
Turns out it was neither. There's no tumor. He's just lies a lot.

Transparency. It's harder than I originally anticipated. But here's the facts: I'm not the independant woman I pretend to be. I need males to make me feel valued. For the record, I'm trying to change that. But for now, I'm conflicted. I can't go to formal without a boy. Who's going to tell me how pretty I am?

If the burden seems too much to bear, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.