Tuesday, April 14, 2009

You said "I know that this will hurt

But if I don't break your heart things will just get worse"

Easter Break, while not in any way restful, was a relief. I love Jewell so much, but everything seems so much bigger here.

I don't trust people. Especially pastors. I really don't trust pastors.

My band director in high school was a liar. He lied a lot. About stupid things. I never believed anything he said. This year he had to go to a neurologist and get a brain scan because he had a tumor. I didn't know whether or not to believe him because he lies... a lot. But then maybe the tumor had altered his personality all these years and had made him lie. This led to the epic question: "Did lying cause the tumor or did the tumor cause lying?"
Turns out it was neither. There's no tumor. He's just lies a lot.

Transparency. It's harder than I originally anticipated. But here's the facts: I'm not the independant woman I pretend to be. I need males to make me feel valued. For the record, I'm trying to change that. But for now, I'm conflicted. I can't go to formal without a boy. Who's going to tell me how pretty I am?

If the burden seems too much to bear, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.

Friday, April 3, 2009

When You Believe Them...

Oh what a week.

This week was one of the most stressful times this semester. It culminated Tuesday night, which was characterized by the stress of four midterms and a brutal talk with a lovely girl who is entirely too sweet to hate, no matter how much I want to.

However, this week has been surprisingly good since then. As my shock and blind rage have subsided, I’m left with essentially no feelings at all. My sense of “It was what it was and now it’s over” has returned and it’s good. Honestly, I feel liberated. I’d never been broken up with, and while this doesn’t technically count, I think getting played in such a massive way is comparable.

I relate everything back to lessons I learned growing up, and this is one of them: Whenever something would happen that I didn’t like, from getting hurt to doing chores, Jeff Rettig would say, “It builds character.” I love things I didn’t understand then that make sense now.

I’m building character. I’m seeing things from a very different perspective than I’m used to, and I am embracing it. That doesn’t mean I’m forgiving (yet) but I am being grateful for new experiences. Jeff would love this.